This is MY Journey!

Today’s lesson was hard. I didn’t expect it to come when it did and I had no idea it was gonna be so hurtfull…

Being in touch electronically with my eldest daughter has been a real blessing – not that we say much to each other, but there’s communication. And I am really careful about “pushing the boundaries” because I do not want to lose her all over again. Its never more than a 3 or 4 sentence conversation, sometimes it’s just me telling her I love her or miss her, or when she’s sick, asking her how she feels. Its not a lot, but it’s more than I had before, and I am super grateful! Even when she doesn’t reply – at least now I get to tell her how I feel!

Then…

I get into my dads car, and as I put my seat belt on, he says to me: “Your brother called.” I could hear hesitation in his voice – he already knew that I was a little upset by the fact that my (non existent) mother had my daughter (the eldest one, that I haven’t seen in 4 years, but who I have been texting so carefully) for the school holidays, and that she had taken my daughter to see my brother. It wasn’t that all of this had happened that was upsetting me, as much as the fact that I found out about this via a profile picture on Whatsapp – my ENTIRE family says nothing to me about this whole reunion. So anyway I got over that, and I brushed it off as my brother not wanting to ‘upset’ his wife (who cannot stand me, and relates more to my narcissistic mother than I do)… My dad keeps quiet for like 5 seconds, so I say: “And??” and glare in his direction. After a brief sigh, he says to me that my daughter told my brother that she cannot handle the long messages I send to her and that she doesn’t know what to say to me. 

SAY WHAT?

Well, of course I exploded – I just couldn’t believe that. Why would she say that? It hurt so bad! It felt like she had stabbed me through my heart. Here I am doing my best to keep this simple and to just express my love for her, and she’s saying things like that? I wanted to cry, but my dad could see I was hurting and he said to me:

“My girl, she is a teenager (she’s 16). Teenagers think they know everything, and they just want to do their own things. They really aren’t worried about building relationships with their parents – they are looking at boys and concentrating on their friends. You cannot let things like this affect your life and your decisions. Just keep your eye on the prize, keep moving forward. In the end, that’s what she will see.”

How does he remain so calm?? Just like that I realised that, in life, a lot of people are going to upset me, and a lot of the time it’s gonna be family (isn’t that so sad?). I can’t let other people’s behavior steal my joy. 

He then proceeded to tell me that my brother asked how I am. In my mind I’m thinking, you know, he has my number too. I guess I should be grateful that he is asking about me. But I feel like my entire family don’t support me. I get it. I stuffed up. Many times. But family is supposed to be there through the good and the bad. No matter what. He’s my brother. He was also using drugs at one stage. I don’t understand that. Especially him. My sister carries on with her own life overseas. My mother proceeds to hurt me in whichever way she possibly can, through manipulating and bad mouthing – nothing new there. My eldest daughter is saying the craziest things for some unknown reason. My youngest daughter is manipulated by her father and ouma – my dad who has always ALWAYS been there for me is the only real family I have (except for my youngest – she wants to be there, but is held back – soon, Angel, soon!).

And as sad and true as that is, my dad is right: I cannot let their behaviour affect my life today. I am doing the right thing – for the first time ever, I am taking control of my disease, I am learning how to deal with life on life’s terms. I am working hard and focussing like never before. I am doing the right thing!! And I have done all of this without their support this far. I can’t let all of their issues and lack of support affect what I am doing for my life. I am lucky enough to have a God that teaches GRACE, FORGIVENESS AND LOVE. I will do my best to live that way. No matter who, or what, or when, or how! He is my Guide to living a GREAT life. He is who really matters!

I have found a new way to live. I don’t need other people to accept that. I don’t need anyone else’s support, when I have my fellowship, my youngest daughter in heart, my dad and my Creator. I will be the better person, and tomorrow I will be even better. Because, no matter how other people behave, I am on a journey, a journey of compassion and enlightenment! Nothing and no-one will stand in my way. Family or not!